Well it’s happened, I’ve lost my nerve. No more long distant
sailing for me. I’ve made a pact with Neptune sealed with a large tot of our
best rum. He rules the waves but will let me sail if I don’t impinge much on
his territory.
Do you know how much it has taken to say these words? Anger.
Tears. Anguish. Feeling a failure. Then realism, knowing I can’t do it anymore.
Being thrown around a boat for days on end. Not being able to eat or sleep or
read or listen to music. Taking 20 minutes to go to the head. The simplest task
taking forever. Being so terrified that I can’t move. Its no fun anymore.
Yes, it was a bad passage, Norfolk, Virginia to Bermuda. The
weather which was downloaded every 12 hours was never the same. In fact,
sometimes the weather was coming from the opposite direction it forecast. Each
time our plan changed. We have to go north, we have to go south, we need to
keep hard on the wind, we need to come way off the wind. Before we started, we
were worried about the amount of motoring we might have to do. No need to
worry. We motored hard to get into St George before nightfall and that was
about that.
Am I failure? Am I letting myself and other people down?
I am definitely letting Lionel down. He is scurrying around
trying to find crew for the passage from Bermuda down to the Caribbean. I’m
letting myself down. No one likes to admit they have limits, reaching that
limit is a shock, reaching that limit in the Atlantic Ocean is terrifying. Failure?
What a horrible word. I feel a failure. After 4 years and 35000nm I should be
able to cope with most things but I can’t. But then, reality hits. Through the
Med, I’ve crossed the Atlantic, I’ve sailed through the Caribbean, I’ve made it
up the east coast to Canada and back down without mishap. Is that being a
failure, or am I trying to make excuses for myself?
I know people change, their outlooks, their tolerances,
their goals. We cast off from Cork in August 2015 with all the expectations of who
knows what. We had sold up and packed everything we wanted to keep in a
shipping container. We didn’t know how long this adventure was going to take
but we were going on it. Sometimes we spoke about round the world, sometimes it
was a year in the Med, sometime it was crossing the Atlantic and coming back to
Scotland in the next season. The world was our oyster and we were going
somewhere. Lionel had just finished treatment for cancer and he was just happy
to be alive. We knew we had the check ups and maybe subsequent treatment to
face but life was good. However, we were realistic. We spoke about giving up
sailing and finding a new adventure if this one did not work. The agreement was
if one of us was miserable the sailing stopped and we moved on. We went on our
merry way.
Now I have to face the reality. I am miserable doing off
shore long distance sailing. I am quite happy on short hops and day sailing but
I can’t face the day after day off shore. There was tense 24 hours when I faced
my concerns and told Lionel. He felt let down, very let down and so he should.
He had asked me a couple of weeks back if I was sure I was OK to go offshore to
Bermuda then down to St Martin. I said yes, I was looking at it as a challenge.
In my defence I did suggest turning back after 24 hours. We already had contingency
plans, as all good sailors always have, Morehead, work our way down the coast,
jump to Bahamas then head to DR and Cuba but we went on and now we are anchored
in St George, not having a clue where to turn to. Somehow, we have to get down to
the Caribbean. Just 7 days sailing to St Martaan then I will be happy to
continue amongst the islands to Cuba then up the coast to Nova Scotia. Seven
days and I cannot face it.
Why am I telling you all this? Why am I not hanging my head
in shame and hiding myself away from REAL sailors’ gazes? The reason, simple.
We all share our good times, our land marks, our triumphs but when it comes to
the end its always “the boat is up for sale”. Yes, there is reasons given some
of the time, goals have been met, grandchildren arriving, injuries or just
moving on to bigger adventures. I have never read someone saying enough is
enough. I have never seen the words “I failed”. I know I am not the first sailor
ever to give up off shore sailing because they have lost their nerve and I will
definitely not be the last. Its something not to be celebrated but it’s a reality
in our lives and people like me should not be looked at as any less sailors because
we don’t do it anymore.
I am not as brave as I thought I was
I have let the love of my life down
terribly
Life will never be the same again
“Well,
that’s a fine mess you’ve got us into”, in the words of Laurel and Hardy.
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